A little background: met this guy yesterday morning through my now-and-forever defunct OKCupid account. We had a brief back and forth before we made plans for coffee in which he asked me if I was open to playing that night. I definitively said no, that I don’t play on the first date. After the date, he said he had to go do something, help his roommate but asked if I wanted to keep hanging out. I said, sure since at the time, he seemed cool. He took off to do his thing with the promise that it would only take 15 minutes, but then texted again and said, was I open to casual play?
Again I said no, but that if he was interested in getting to know me, I was willing to spend more time with him. He then said, sorry, this is going to take longer than I realized, was I open for dinner the next night? I obviously extended too much credit because this is what transpired afterward. Aside from minor edits in the text conversation to improve the flow, I didn’t edit this text conversation at all. Clearly, he didn’t deserve correction.
Betina Cipher: Can you talk?
vanilladude: In a little while. Maybe 30 min? What’s up.
Betina Cipher: I just thought it would be easier to communicate via voice.
vanilladude: Sure. Text is good too…text with me 🙂
Betina Cipher: It’s really difficult to articulate texting, just thought I could spell some things out. Just wanted to talk about kink, fetish, etc.
vanilladude: Please do. I am very comfortable texting until, if you don’t mind.
Which specific kinks and fetishes? You have some?
Betina Cipher: Do you have any experience with kink? First hand?
vanilladude: ds and fetishes? My housemate’s company is around a bit longer, so I can text for a while. A small bit with S&M, and women having masters. I have spoken to subs about it, but haven’t engaged in it myself. What are your kinks? I want some first-hand experiences though.
Betina Cipher: Okay. So your experience with it is mostly on the margins.
vanilladude: Yes…that okay?
Betina Cipher: I could kind of tell. When someone has firsthand experience with it, they communicate in a certain way.
vanilladude: How so? What are your kinks and fetishes? Have you ever had your photos taken?
Betina Cipher: I’m a Domme. But I should qualify that and distinguish it from Dominatrix. I’m not much of a sadist, but I do like to be in control. I like to initiate, give directions, experiment with sensation.
vanilladude: What about straight sex? Do you do that, or is it only a dom sex life for you? Have you been with dark men? Do you have fetishes?
Betina Cipher: Oh yes.
vanilladude: I would like to photograph you. Oh yes to what?
Betina Cipher: Ok, on that first point. Vanilla sex is pretty disappointing to me. I think it becomes rote, it’s over too fast, and it’s all about coming. Yes, I’ve been with dark men, yes I have fetishes.
vanilladude: Tell me your fetishes please
Betina Cipher: If all this is not you cup of tea, I’m totally fine setting the conversation down. I don’t take it personally. Are we ok so far?
vanilladude: I like this. I want more. Carry on.
Betina Cipher: I like the idea of being photographed.
vanilladude: What are your fetishes? I do excellent close-up work with photos.
Betina Cipher: OK. I’m into toys, bondage, assplay (giving), temperature play,
vanilladude: Giving ass play such as?
Betina Cipher: I’m into pegging.
vanilladude: You like licking ass? Pegging isn’t for me. Just being up front.
Betina Cipher: ok.
vanilladude: Do you like licking ass too?
Betina Cipher: I’m into all things ass. It’s incredibly erotic to me.
vanilladude: You like having your ass licked?
Betina Cipher: hell yeah, don’t you?
vanilladude: I can relate to that. Have you done oral with protection? Until everyone is tested? I like to hold off on unprotected oral and kissing until all testing is done. Would that be a deal-breaker for you? Yes, I like it too
Betina Cipher: Can I ask what your specific fear is around transmission? Like I’ve never had anyone ask me about cold sores or irregular paps before.
vanilladude: Causes abnormal paps contributes to oral cancers and/or warts. I play extra safe d/t transmission possibilities of sylhillis (highly contagious in 2 stages), via kissing, and hpv…the strain which cold sores come from HSV-1, which can actually be transferred to genitals. Typical genital herpes is HSV-2, but 1 can occur in both locations.
Betina Cipher: So wait, you’re saying you don’t tongue kiss someone until both of you get tested?
vanilladude: Did you like the pic? I prefer to wait with the kissing, but if it’s a deal breaker, I understand. I do have something I like about sex without kissing anyway, but I can’t explain it
Betina Cipher: It’s hard for the writer in me not to read into that.
vanilladude: Sorry. I am unable to articulate why is what I mean. Did you like the photo I sent? I would like to feel your body with my hands. I wanted our legs touching under the table. It had been in my mind when we were outside.
Betina Cipher: I am sure that you are the kind of man that easily elicits compliments from pictures like that. But I’m a Domme, I don’t automatically feed men’s egos. I think the fear of swapping spit is really a fear of connecting, it’s a little paranoid. I’m going to pass. I wish you luck finding what you are looking for. Have a good night.
vanilladude: Would you give me a chance to understand? I wanted to know what you liked so I could offer more photos and other items/actions. As I mentioned, if something is a deal breaker, I will adjust. I would gladly swap spit with you. I was ready to before you left but I wasn’t sure how you felt about it, I was stuck in your creamy legs and thighs for parts of the convo and couldn’t help myself. Not looking for compliments. I want some serious interaction with you.
Betina Cipher: Ok. let me put it this way in a nutshell: when I am in charge, a session lasts for hours. I study you, test your responsiveness. I push you to your edge and then I decide when to release you.
vanilladude: And you can do that without pegging?
Betina Cipher: yes. but it’s the easiest way to make a man have a progasm.
vanilladude: And though kissing is fine, no oral until testing is fine as well? Just clarifying because I want tie experience you
vanilladude: And I want my hands in your body to feel your smooth skin. I want to see and taste your breasts.
Betina Cipher: You get to work for all that.
vanilladude: How is that a FWB situation? You being dom is one thing, but can we start casual for one meeting?
Betina Cipher: If you are asking me if we can have vanilla sex first the answer is no. In the same way that you have limits about STDs, I have no interest in making out, no oral, missionary and it’s over in 3 minutes. Like I said, vanilla sex is not satisfying to me. Attraction is one of many cogs that need to mesh. I think you are very attractive, but it seems like we aren’t lining up.
vanilladude: I am not talking 3 minutes of vanilla sex. I am talking patience and time in first just touching each other naked and seeing how each of us play. other reacts. Spending time on nipple play, ass play, fetish time…sex would be slow and deliberate, mixed with the additional various. I think we would line up in person. I do. I am not just saying this, I assure you.
Betina Cipher: Tell me why you think so?
vanilladude: Why do I think so? I felt something when I hugged you, and when we spoke and when we looked at each other that seemed carnal to me. As an example of what I meant, I like having my cock buried all the way in a woman and just holding it there, while slowly touching, pinching, licking other parts of her.
Betina Cipher: Are you willing to spend some more time for me to feel comfortable around you?
vanilladude: I don’t understand your angle. I am extremely attracted to you. But are you looking to “date?” What you want seems different for a well-matched arrangement. I am fine being patient. Are you willing to show me how you could tease me? (Not asking for sex). Are you free at all during the day tomorrow?
Betina Cipher: See here’s the problem with text.
vanilladude: I apologize, I have limited options. Texting with you turns me on. I like reading the words and descriptions with respect to sex and fet terms. I don’t understand what you are open to before sex? Would you let me lick your ass?
Betina Cipher: Let me put it another way: I’ve had some toxic men in my life, men who have taken my power away from me psychologically and sexually. My comfort zone is when I am in control. I don’t understand that last question. I don’t do casual sex, I don’t do one-offs.
vanilladude: Can you be in control while letting me lick your ass? Neither do I. I don’t do either.
Betina Cipher: I would INSTRUCT you to lick my ass.
vanilladude: Then that’s what I want. Are you free during the day tomorrow? At all?
Betina Cipher: What I don’t think men realize is the immense risk women take on when they consent to sex with someone they just met. No, not free tomorrow.
You outweigh me by what, 50 lbs at least? And I just met you. Today.
vanilladude: I understand. I worked with various situations involving victims when I worked in medicine.
Betina Cipher: I’m not a rape victim in the conventional sense. But yes, I’ve got triggers and trust issues. I am not going to have all the info I need in one meeting.
vanilladude: I am also required to be an upstanding citizen with a squeaky clean background to maintain clearance for any government work. I have annual background checks run in me, and fingerprinting. Okay
Betina Cipher: Well, so do lots of people. But I appreciate that, and I have to have similar. Tues afternoon or eve is possible.
vanilladude: Let’s do Tuesday eve? You want photos done? May I send you a photo of my cock, please?
Betina Cipher: Let me explain again: I’m not bringing you into a private space until I know you better. No. I’ll let you know when I’m ready to look at it. You are not used to being denied. I can tell. Handsome men are the worst.
vanilladude: I am sorry for the experiences you have had, but I need to be able to progress with my own timeline. I also don’t want to risk any “triggers” being set off.
I have law enforcement in my family, docs and lawyers. I am a safe guy, and I don’t have to put in unreasonable effort with others.
It’s not about being handsome. I am willing to work. But I also recognize the difference between a solid effort vs. working around someone’s personal stuff.
My attraction to you is unusually strong. I left with an erection, and precum because of how turned on I was, especially when you would shift and I would catch a glimpse of your sexy thighs. I know what I want, and that I am safe, but I have also been waiting a while to play and I need to move on. If you want to join me, let me know because you make me hard as a rock. Okay. Let me know if you decide you want photos or to play. If not, no offense.
Betina Cipher: Wow, and this seems like a reasonable expectation to you? You meet a woman once and because you got boner it’s now or never? Your idea of a “solid effort” is laughable, and the “please let me show you my dick”, what are you, 20?
vanilladude: That’s not what I wrote.
Betina Cipher: Sure whatever.
Betina Cipher: I suggest you educate yourself regarding sexual assault and how it relates to dating. Here are some stats for you:
- A woman is sexually assaulted ever 98 seconds in the US
- Overwhelmingly, the perpetrator is someone the woman knows or just met
- There is no profile for perps with regard to socioeconomics, race, religion or age so the “I have law enforcement in my family, doc, lawyers” is an absurd defense of your character
The fact that you asked me more than once if I was open to playing, ignoring my direct answers, is a red flag. The paranoia around germs and the disregard for my comfort level, red flag. Your dismissal of me based on “not wanting to set off any triggers” reveals you to be ignorant, selfish and unworthy. Something to consider on your next date.
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